Tuesday, December 4, 2007
I'm starting to bug myself.
The world definitely just moves around not waiting for anyone. I'm left in a certain societal limbo that might as well engulf me in the flames of uncertainty and occasional illusion I bring myself to face.
My friend/colleague and I were able to chat recently and we greeted ourselves a very merry Happy December, which means that both of us will yet again face the Official chambers of Aged maturity. The problem with having birthdays at this season is that we are turned into official torch bearers that the annual reflection for us seem to be painstakingly heavy. And it doesn't help the fact that we have a tendency to be consumed with numbers like a ticker in the unstoppable life bomb. But you see, a number is just a number is a just a number. I'm turning 24 this year, might as well call it the new 25 especially now there's a popular crisis called the Quarter-Life Crisis. But the certainty and legality of the number can easily be dismissed psychologically. What really hurts is that it's a constant reminder of your personal expectation and the expectations of society.
My friend even mentioned the fact that she had lived with this certain framework of thought that life is composed of series of events that we all have to follow. You study your ass off for years. Then you get into college and get a job, or have a 'career.' Then once you've achieved all those stuff, now you entertain marriage, have a family, have kids and die a natural death.
Fortunate for us that we have achieved all until the stage of getting a job, but beyond that societal expectations poke us in the face, which is constantly bugging me.
Let us disclose the fact that my friend and I are not your typical ladies. We are the sort of independent women who call our own shots in life...well most of it in terms of career and pacing. But the certain nagging of expectations brought by our age really sometimes ticks us off. I mean, I'm turning 24 this December and it's just as easy to close it as 25. It's really not the age and the presence of 'the number.' Do I feel 24? Hardly. I'm feeling 20, except for the fact that people closest to me are reminding me otherwise.
You see, I've got 3 weddings of my closest friends scheduled next year. I just had my first baptismal affair two weeks ago and I think it's already wearing me down. I remembered when I was in first year college, I had debut invitations here and there, some of which I've attended, but now I'm facing...WEDDINGS? BAPTISM? And it's not even from my extended network of friends, but my CLOSEST friends ever, and I haven't added those friends who are planning anytime sooner. The world has already turned for them...but my axis stays firm.
I may have an unconventional reaction on marriage, but I don't really take it against them. It's their decision and I think they're at the 'right' phase to embark on it, but why does it have to include us (my friend and I) on these particular small talk. It's like since now that we're at this age, I am expected to hear questions about "when I'd get married..." "how they're eager to see me as a mother??" Oh please, marriage is fine as long as I don't think about it. But now expectations and these certain occurrences make me think about it. What's worse is that my PARENTS, the worst people who claim that they perfectly know me, assume that I'd be jumping on the bandwagon soon.
Thinking about it wears me down. Entertaining questions and surviving through events like this, destroys my appetite on a perfectly good buffet. And sometimes I even force myself to acknowledge that I should have an MO in dealing with this because it wouldn't stop any sooner. I'm 24 and the first batch of marrying friends are now at bay. I've got an 'inaanak' by the way and I'm assuming it would only be the first of the dozen to come.
Everything's fine as long as we're not in a way assumed to be following them anytime sooner. It hurts to know the fact that I still don't have my own house and empire at the age of 25, which is already half of my wasted prime, but to embark on marriage and having...babies? That's just too much for me or anyone like me to handle.
Call me crazy but I think I'm perfect where I am now. It needs a little tweaking, but It doesn't help that certain things in life like marriage and kids are already eminent with my contemporaries allowing expectations and assumptions in our generation seep in. It's okay if they don't make us think...but on an afternoon chat season with my friend...we did think about it; and we are being bugged. There should be a support group for this because one against the world can just be easily frustrating. But definitely it just strengthens the fact that it would take us a couple of death threats and egg deteriorations to turn our axis into a merciless world of 'The expected adulthood."
(Sources of pictures/www.google and geocities.com)