Saturday, October 31, 2009

Shit Hole

It's been a while since I found the time, the energy and the mood to write in this blog. Thanks to the tropical storm SANTI, most households in Metro Manila have no electricity, which means no TV, no air-conditioning, no computer and for some, no internet. These factors force people, like myself, to go to malls and do a couple of errands like charge phones and stay online. As for my family, they all went out. My dad and brother went to the mall while my sister and mother went to visit some friends and to the wake of someone I don't know. So just the way I like it, I am on my own. I would've stayed at home with Harvey, slept the whole day and just drown in silence while my not-so-pleasant thoughts bug me, but I know I would be wasting my time, wasting my energy and wasting whatever sanity I have left. So, I too went out.

Now here I am, in a dim corner of Figaro in Greenbelt, with my Cafe Mocha and full blast internet. I still have no concrete plans, but to write and just kill time here. But I admit my situation's been better for at least an hour, except of course whenever I receive another uneventful phone call, unwillingly snatch a thread of unpleasant thought and reluctantly face any reminder of soured relationships. I guess I would eventually face them when I go home. I'm just regaining strength here, recharging. I have to escape for a while, to think, to release. I couldn't possibly do it at home. With the silence and haunting appearance there, I fear I might go crazy.

So there are no special stories and updates in this post. This post is full of lamentation. So for those who have impatient and cynical hearts I suggest you to skip this. I would have to save the happy and other useful posts in the future entries when things look brighter or when I have the heart and mind to write it, because now I'm just beaten. Also because as far as I'm concerned the past week has been pretty much a shit hole for me.

Again if you have the patience and heart to read...bear with me. For those who have enough drama in their lives... skip this.

Let's start with my work.

My work in general suits me. I like the nature, the mode of independence and accountability it brings. Mywork, I've learned after some time, develops into a routine which loses its luster of challenge. That's quite all right. I am still enjoying the perks and in retrospect, there are still times when I am faced with erratic schedules, unreasonable email correspondence, immediate workload demands and operational glitches. So far, I'm still not complaining. Although the ongoing imbalance of extreme workload to extreme boredom might piss me off one of these days. And when I get pissed off hard, I do what I do best and that is not something I want to think about right now.

My problem with work is not work itself, but the reminder of my desired career growth. Don't get me wrong. In my perspective, I've had a blessed work life. I'm not doing my dream job yet, but I think I paved a path for a certain career. I've experienced progress and challenges. It may not be monetarily rewarding, but judging what I have right now, I know I should still give thanks . Here's where the problem comes in. I can't help but feel slighted so I aim for more. Just indulge me because this is the time of year that I am sensitive with my ambitions and my current standing. Probably this has been brought up by the seasonal year end discussions I've had with my colleagues. So far, I am hearing stories and realizations of other people, my peers, regarding their standings with the company; and it somehow affects me. Their woes and organizational analysis made me realize salient things that probably I shouldn't have. Their certain demands magnify my own, and for almost a year now, I've been repressing these thoughts. Inequality in positions, money and value in the organization are always tough things that plague a corporate junkie, well especially someone like me. Believe it or not, these factors are the ones that slowly gnaw the spirit than meeting deadlines and facing unreasonable demands of our beloved bosses. I just can't help but feel slighted and duped in a way. I can't help but feel that my exposure to my peers' corporate "sufferings" is a blessing in disguise to make me realize my situation, which I'm mediocre about. And that's what I didn't want to happen in the first place. This whole thing makes me feel a little bit frustrated. This is where the pressure comes in, the pressure to act fast and think about my future based on my professional goals and ambitions still unmet. This is a larger chunk that drains me. Mind you, I'm not just being sucked in negativity. I know I'm just facing the repressed truth of my situation, a truth which I'm not really happy about.

Second, how about crumpling all the drama of my personal life? My personal relationships with my family and loved one are not in tip top shape. If I'm not an outcast, I'm the enemy. It's not the undesirable social position that drains me; it's the whole drama and emotional attack that come with it. My threshold for emotional and social problems are very low. If I were to compare myself to a computer memory, the continuous emotional turmoils, disappointments, arguments and drama in all aspects of my life would require my system to have a 2-gig ram, but frankly I only have 512 MB ram. I easily fail and freeze. Naturally, the only way to survive in more challenging times is to upgrade. But I guess I haven't. Now I'm just trying my best to keep afloat. How I handle relationships is unremarkable to pathetic.

Third, I'm still struggling with my creative pursuits. I'm still starting, naive and inexperienced, which makes it all harder and discouraging. The only comfort I have is thinking that most people who have seriously started to delve into a form of art started hard and shaky. Realizing the desire and dream is easy. Releasing it, making something out of it, is the hard part. It will drive you nuts. Lucky for those who have the means, have that innate distinct talent and unwavering courage and discipline. I must admit that I have a problem moving forward. Sure I move, but I stop in the middle because of my own demons that discourage me, but then I find myself starting again until it evolves into a draining cycle. I would've just given up, but the desire is still there, which makes it extra painful. I just comfort myself with the fact that some artists, musicians, and writers may have started hard. Ultimately others push through and succeed while others just simply go crazy and give up. Surprisingly, no matter how hard it is right now I still find myself here. Even though I'm still struggling and getting frustrated, I don't ever want to give up because I know the dream is still there.

Fourth, how about my crippling finances that hinder me to do the things that I badly need to do. For example, I want to move out and I should've already, but I am still financially crippled. I should've traveled the world and reside in a place that I choose, but I couldn't. I don't know whatever happened to me in this department. I used to be so good and focused with this even with meager sources of income. I know I need to regroup and settle things in priority. There is no other way but to continue working on this. But in this regard, I'm not entirely hopeless. With careful planning, saving and prioritizing, this could be fixed and all my other goals could be achieved. I just hate it that it adds up to the bigger shit hole.

Fifth, if I may add, my beloved pet Harvey Elizander is still slighly suffering from a self-induced accident. It added to digging up my shit hole for the past few days. He had a brawl with one of our bigger dogs and suffered an injury. His left front leg's was injured for a couple of days that left him limping. He had a fever at first, but recovered. For a couple of days his leg was painful with only gradual signs of recovery. If not for the storm, I would've taken him to the doctor this morning to perform a series of tests just to make sure. But based on my observation this morning though, his leg is getting better. God knows this is the last thing that I need right now.

Whew. Still here? Just to let you know, writing all of these stuff helped. I just can't find an accessible soul who could listen to this that's why I released it in a way I know how. It already felt like telling the soul, the universe. I'm always better writing than talking anyways.

As I look out the window, it's already dark. I see group of friends, families and lovers continually trickling in. Apparently, the storm did not alter their long weekend plans, or probably it there's still no electricity back home. I agree that it's more fruitful being elsewhere especially if you're trying to take a break from the shit hole of worries like mine.

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