First day of work, in a new month, enjoying a professional upgrade, is surprisingly steady. Though there are minor technical challenges encountered, everything was solved within the day. I thought I would experience hell in trying to recover my business faculties and my sanity by reading emails with unreasonable demands, but the water was calm and uneventful until I glanced upon information that I shouldn’t have seen.
The information wasn’t scandalous. It’s irrelevant to the state of the nation. It’s just information that I shouldn’t have known because I’m now harboring a strange kind of envy. The feeling isn’t nice. Being the bad guy with a valid reason may be exciting, but being the bad guy without proper grounds seem lame. I belong to the latter and now I’m harboring envy so great that thinking about that particular information makes me want to hurl my laptop in mid-air.
Envy is a feeling and a particular sin that I’m not used to committing. I am too confident of my capabilities to quickly feel envious over something. I am also too practical and realistic that I could easily acknowledge my own limitations. I would know if there is something missing and if I should be getting it. So, I work hard for it. I don’t result to sulking around in the middle of uncontrollable hurl of envy.
However, this mid-afternoon I experienced the big E word. I being the envious one. At first I felt it was a passing thing, something foreign, but then I began to think of possible scenarios and asking the questions for hours. “Why not me?” I began to think negatively about the object of my envy. I began to assess and judge him thoroughly which I have no right to do. I began to compare myself to him. I began to ask my colleagues to verify if there’s validity to all the drama.
The object of my envy is a colleague of mine, technically the same age as me. He promoted in the same company I’m working for. Though our departments are different in nature, our company rewards performers all the same. If I should lift myself up, I too got promoted and I worked hard for the past year. I was happy that in a span of a year I was recognized for my efforts. I moved up, but not as high as this particular colleague of mine. I would have to name him Mr. Perfect.
Mr. Perfect is now 3 positions away from me. His position is most coveted and highest of the high. At his age, without any Masters degree, he was able to get promoted every year attaining a very executive position, like a seat in Vice Presidency in one of the most illustrious, challenging and lucrative departments in any financial institution. This is apart from him being gracious, articulate, friendly, presentable, popular, athletic and rich. I cannot pin point an exact attribute that would work against him. He has a great and stable family, a good home, good properties and I believe a special someone he can share his blessings with. Worst part is, he doesn’t brag about it or act as if he cares. I don’t know anyone who wouldn’t want to be in his position and disposition.
Yet here I am still finding ways to compete with him when I clearly have no chance of winning at all. Of all the colleagues and friends I have, he seems to be the only one who stirs the envy emotion within me and to think that I’m not even a man whose ego was stepped on. I am a lady, a totally different biological sphere, with different demands and needs yet I feel like such a loser compared to his greatness. I am envious of his success. It’s strange because of all the people who should be envious, it has to be me when clearly I have nothing at all to compete against him. It’s strange that I feel envy at this person, yet it’s strange that I want to compete at the same time. I should be happy for him, yet I feel bad that he has the brand of success I still aspire for. If he knows about this, maybe he would just laugh and willingly give me a pep talk, which I would be embarrassed to listen to. Then again, I there’s one thing that I have...and that is PRIDE. I would be too proud to let him know of this certain feeling of mine. I’ll just try to nurse this privately and not let it get the best of me. I hope.