I am so busy with work lately that I find myself constantly adjusting to things that greatly change my life. This work that I am doing right now is no big joke. It entails a lot of time, effort and mental capacity to get things done. Migrating a totally new project overseas, creating more suitable jobs, interacting with different kinds of people and producing reports and services that are sometimes unreasonably inhuman is part of my job. It's a lot of pressure, crap and work. These are certainly the things that will eventually suck out the person of creativity and time. Sometimes I wonder if I had known that this was to be the case, would I have been more confident and would I have accepted the job? Most definitely. No matter how much wasted and pressured I am, I know that I am here for a reason. I always believed in the perfect timing and belief in oneself. So far, I'm keeping my head and my team's welfare way above water. I'm proud to report that there is nothing to worry about, only when I look back that I realize that I'm slowly shifting the balance scale to the dark side of work.
The thing is, I know I may not be the smartest and the best professional there is. I am fully aware of the fact that some people are more technologically advanced than me, more personable, more experienced and more capable of doing the job. But you know what, the timing was for me and I am here now and I am in no position to waste this magnificent, but grueling opportunity. I am mature enough to accept my limitations, but I know and have experienced that I can really work my ass off to achieve my desired targets. I may not be there now, but I know I could make it eventually, as fast as possible. I don't waste time. I narrow down my goals and I chug straight on. With all my goals, encouragement and targets, I sometimes get too focused and too consumed with achievements that I totally forget the other side of the fence, the other side that constitutes the balance. My personal life.
To begin with, everyone who knows me know that I'm not sociable. I'm a classic extreme introvert, which means I work well individually. It's funny that I always get asked in job interviews if I can work well with teams. Of course I can work well with teams, but the thing is, I prefer working alone. I can be alone most of the times and I see advantages in it. I'm not the type who will cry if I am isolated. No hidden scars there. I'm just built that way. So if I get too consumed with work I automatically tend to drop everything. It's so easy for me to focus on something tangible. Since I love reaching and achieving goals, I effortlessly and immediately send my needs, my family, friends and loved ones at the backseat. It requires me a lot of good timing to remember my other responsibilities. If I'm too focused with work and goals, I get selfish with my time and efforts. Not that people around me complain, but I have been reflecting recently and I am thankful enough to give these changes much consideration on what it's eventually doing to my loved ones.
If the balance tips to work, I'm thankful that my family knows me too well not to bother me. My family isn't a conventional one. My father has always been career-oriented and I know that he's happy if I'm busy with work. He translates that passion well. He rarely praises me, but rarely tries to control my life decisions. He's tough with me because I'm tough on myself and I like the pressure. I appreciate that silent support. I share his sentiment of self-achievement and rising up to the challenge. No doubt, I get my work genes from him. However, my mother is a total opposite. She was once a career woman, but subjected herself to housework and taking care of the family once my accidental-brother was born. Obviously that is not my path, but just like my father, she doesn't tell me what to do with my life. She is happy if I am achieving something, but she just watches me inhale the work demands and pressure that I love. My sister is also my opposite and she tends to lead an ideal life. She works well, but she works for rewards and not for self-fulfillment. I tend to be hard on her until the moment came when I realized that she has to figure her sense of fulfillment on her own and that was three months ago when she happily quit her first job in 2 months and is now employed to a new one. But I do miss my family when work tends to choke me. I spend time with them to step back before getting into the craziness again, but my family are the least of my problems. They seldom complain. Thank God for that.
There is a reason why my friends are still my friends right now and it's because they can freely adjust. They have accepted me for who I am and I am in no obligation to explain to them. I am there when they need me and I certainly give time if I can, but my friends are mature enough to let me be and demand less of me, which I like.
What I am more concerned about is my loved one. The main reason that people are bonded into a special romantic relationship is because of love; and unfortunately love isn't right if it doesn't nurture the couple and it doesn't grow because there are no time, connection and efforts. Thankfully this is not the situation right now, but it could be if I don't watch out. I have to remind myself to slow down and reflect from time to time. I most definitely don't want to lose the one that I love, but I may disappoint him without even knowing it. There is definitely no dishonesty and bullshit in my realm, but I could be very dense and ruthless that I need him to remind me of how I'm doing. I understand that he has certain demands of my time and affection that my family and friends could forgo asking. It's true that he has accepted me for who I am, but it wouldn't be fair for him to forever stay in the backseat. I will not blame him if he gets mad if and when the time comes. Sometimes I even look for that to jolt me back to my other role as a girlfriend. I need him to constantly remind me especially if I'm on a roll.
Unfortunately that personal life of mine resumes when I get back to Manila. Right now, I only have my email, my Facebook and a couple of phone calls to thank for. I am so consumed with work lately that my personal life and my hobbies took the backseat. I'm feeling that I'm thriving in work like a vampire that has its first taste of blood. But quiet moments like this makes me think and realize that the balance is slowly tipping and that I have to make it right. I have to allot time to focus on my needs and to reconnect with the loves of my life. For the past few months, I have felt the scale slowly going towards the dark side. I don't want that to happen. I believe writing about it now will ultimately change its course. In the end, no matter how much I love work and pressure, I still have to find a way to strike the balance that I deserve. That is a goal in itself and it is something that I am working hard to achieve.
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