I slept for 3 hours. It was a power nap in my case. Now I'm recharged for Sunday and the fear of being grumpy is gone. I'm off to a good start. The sun is up. The day is free and I intend to make this day a great one.
I learned that it pays to be positive. I finally realized that it helps especially in dire situations. I know they have released medical studies about this one. I think I've read some, but at that time I wasn't really the positive-thinker so it didn't register. You see, all my life I've been a pessimist. Generally I think I still am, but a little sunshine of positivism continues to radiate especially when I encounter really shitty circumstances. I just found out last week how positive I can be and there's no point in denying it.
The most obvious shitty circumstances I have is usually at work, past and present. Everyone is stressed at work at some point, but mine is elevated into a higher level. Stress, pressure and constant expectation to deliver something grand and big while doing it in a fishbowl is so hard. It could generally crack a normal person. I seriously thought that with the pressure I currently face, it could make someone jeopardized and crazy. These days (until Christmas for which hopefully my project and migration go live), sleeping and eating become options. Work becomes a life and death situation at some point that I have to deliver or else. The information is trickling like sand. Interactions with superiors are huge. Eyes are on me and on the project 100%. It's like a battlefield at work.
Nevertheless, I know that I am here for a reason. I know I asked for this kind of work at some point. By history, this is the most challenging role I've ever signed up for. But I know even if my work is stressful and I get my heart racing all the time, I wouldn't give up on this. Even though everyday ends up tiring, I enjoy my simple accomplishments and working with people who are also exerting efforts in making things work. I appreciate their dedication and there is no way that I could give up on that. I love that I'm still learning new things. Slowly I've accepted that until I get my project live, I would experience hardships, birth pains, setbacks and disappointments. That is something I should prepare for and not be consumed with. There is no reason to ignore or deny that these things will bug me every single day. It was time for me to let go of my unrealistic expectations and unnecessary amount of pressure on myself.
Last week I had one of the most disappointing days ever. In hindsight I know I disappointed some people and I had clashed with a colleague. I thought this particular issue was under control until a rug was swept up under my feet by a person whom I was depending on. I was burned alive so to speak. That day I was exhausted, pissed and confused. I wanted to go home, hit someone and just hide. But I knew I couldn't and it was something that already happened. All I could do was to let off steam.
When I went home that day I knew my happy cells were burned. I couldn't think and function normally anymore. All I had to do was sleep. But before I completed surrendered to dream land, I thought about how things went. For one last time, I let out my frustrations and accepted it for what it is. I learned how to let it go and to look forward. When the calming realization settled in, I texted some people from work who witnessed what happened that day. I finally had the courage to tell them to be positive and that I am all right. Thankfully I got very good replies. I slept knowing that people continue to support and believe in me as I believe in myself.
In past experiences after a shity day, I would usually sulk and chug at work with an intense feeling of retribution, but this time I woke up nicely. I bought sweet goods to bring to the office as simple offerings that I'm still thankful with everything that's happening to me. I wanted to share my gratitude and happy thoughts with people. My offerings might not be much, but it's my way of staring a great day and appreciating people for their hard work. I came at work feeling energized and positive. The friction and frustration became past news. I had a clearer mindset on life and I worked with all of my heart. I know I love my job. I know that I'm not perfect, and I know there will be hard and disappointing days. But I also know that I am doing this for a reason, that I deserve this challenge to make me a better person. I just have to work hard, be patient, confident and positive.
In the past, I would not have been able to type these words. I would not have realized how real being positive is even if it was staring me at the face. I would just shrug it positivism off and continue living the world being a pessimist. I would be extra hard with myself for no productive reasons. I would bite off my confidence and slowly destroy my self esteem. But something happened to me that made me see the light. It could be a combination of maturity or wisdom. I learned how to be positive in dire circumstances though I'm still improving on that. I also know that being positive won't erase challenges. I would still be having shitty days and I would still feel confusion, disappointment and anger at some point, but I know a douse of positivism helps me clear things up and accept things for what they are. Positivism helps me to move on and be better. It helps me to believe in myself more and helps me not lose my goals when I hit roadblocks. Positivism I found. It's free and it doesn't take a lot of effort and science.