I was able to catch up on sleep today. I woke up with a high spirit and with eagerness to read and write. I logged on to my Facebook account and saw a really surprising announcement. One of my good friend's engaged to be married. Great, I just attended another close friend's wedding last month, and now this? It again brings another ax down my throat not entirely because the person my good friend is marrying is someone that I totally admire when I was in college (and she knows my "stalker days", shame on me). I've gone way past jealousy and acceptance. Not because I'm just dying to get married, but it's because almost all my good friends are entering matrimony; and I'm just the person that doesn't get why. I feel weird because I'm not sure if I should be liking or thinking about stuff like this when my contemporaries are already "there." Do they know something that I don't know and that I don't appreciate?
I wouldn't be affected if some acquaintances and random friends get married. What they do with their lives do not directly affect me or even matter to me. But with good friends who know me inside and out, that's a different case. I always share an affinity with good friends, people whom I share a certain "wavelength" with. These close friends of mine are whom I thought would try to seize their singlehood days with me, but alas people change and priorities change. Change is good. It's not a bad thing. It's just bad that I am the one stuck with thinking that my close friends share the same views that I have with marriage, but in truth, they do not.
My list of really close friends aren't that long and the single ones are now a minority. I tell you, matrimony is slowly taking my best friends away from singlehood, best friends in high school, college, at work and including my real bestfriend, whom I thought I shared a no-marriage till we're thirty pact. See, I'm still selfish at this point, how the hell will marriage work for me?
Whenever someone close to me is getting married, I feel weird. I don't feel jealousy and I don't feel sadness. I feel like: "Wait, are you sure? Are you really really sure? Are you prepared? It costs this and this...You're still young blah blah blah..." I become their lingering conscience of practicality, of reality and sometimes of negativity. But what good would my intentions do when it's obviously intense love that will lead them to the altar? I know what I'm thinking and feeling are pointless. It's their life and it's their choice. I've got nothing to do with it. I just fear that marriage takes away my friends because they would have obviously other things to prioritize. It's okay if you're just boyfriend-girlfriend. In that stage, you're still expected to have fun with your friends and be always mindful of your position. But if the wife-husband roles come in, it's a totally big change. They both have authority over each other not even their own parents could shake, what more by friends? They now belong into this certain bubble of activities that make them untouchable because the world technically revolves around their start-up family. Single friends at some point could never relate with them anymore. Marriage also bores, some say, and the fact is you cannot escape. Marriage also scares me because I'll be at the mercy of my significant other's decisions in life. You cannot decide on your own, it always has to include the welfare of the other. Responsibilities, additional baby responsibilities, things like that really send chills down my spine. Probably that's why my outlook in marriage is not that "developed" at this stage and honestly, I don't know if it would ever be developed.
All my good friends know my apprehensions and I am perfectly aware that I'm not exactly the first person they would be looking for to announce their engagement. They know I'd be this voice of reason again, but that doesn' t mean I won't be happy for them. It would take time for me to accept that they're getting married, but I would still attend their wedding and sincerely offer my well wishes. It's a decision they they have made and I'm just a friend who will be happy to support no matter what. At least, I'm being true. I don't attend my good friends' weddings just because I'm required. I attend because I accept their decision, I support and I believe in them.
When I was attending, probably the breakthrough marriage of my entire life, my best friend said something to calm her maid of honor...me. She said she understands and that I don't fully get excited or instantly appreciates the decision she had made, but she would alwaysk now that I'm happy for her. She also knows my personality so well that she understands that I don't appreciate marriage at this point. But she also knows that a right time will come for me to be asked and I will surprise myself by saying Yes. Ugh cheesy and easily rebuttable, but she said to hold that thought. It doesn't matter if it takes me 10 more years to feel ready. Some people just appreciate marriage early. Marriage will never be a dream for everyone, nor will it be easy for some. The point is, she's definite that there will come a time for me that the next thing I'll find myself doing is getting married and it would suddenly feel right.
Sure I say. I'll keep than in mind. Just don't hold your breath.