Boggled

The word for the day is boggle.

Before I slept late last night there wasn't anything alarming going on. I was so sure and very confident about the flow of things. For a couple of weeks and months I've made certain goals in my life that I'm proud to say are in progress. Some already on their road to fulfillment and some are still about to happen. I was cool with that.

For January, I made a couple of serious decisions. It will be accomplished (hopefully) in the first quarter of this year. It is regarding a much-bigger purchase that I could only consider buying only if I have a stable job and sufficient savings to boot. It's nothing grand to some, but I'm talking about buying my very own car.

Thinking about it, I don't really need my "own" car. I can freely use cars brought by my dad at my disposal. Ever since college, I've never had to figure out how to get my own ride. I never went through bargaining with a sibling. Every car resource (except my dad's toy and business cars) has always been used by myself, my sister and my mother for "official" and recreational purposes. In fact until now, I already feel I have my own car only that I don't pay for the maintenance and I'm less forgiving on its usage. The only thing that changed was paying for the gas. While I was studying, my father was the one paying for it, but once I've gone "professional" I pay for my own consumption. It's a pain in the ass especially if I have to budget it with my meager salary. Good thing I never did worry about maintenance. Also in terms of the availability and the usage, my father is generous enough to allot us cars that I could practically use and swap with my mom and sister.

Even though in that regard I am fortunate, I'm not much of a car-addict. I commute whenever I can and there are times that it's more hassle for me to bring a car than just take the train, a cab or hitch with a friend. In short, buying a car was never a priority nor a want.

But in one morning while I was talking to my mom, the ever hot-headed accountant, about my recent finances and my soon to be "successful" insurance installment after 5 grueling years of paying for it, she opened up a very promising idea. Now that I'll be almost done with one of my biggest financial obligations, my money would eventually be either automatically saved or spent in random things. Unfortunately, I'm better with handling money if there's a goal in mind. If there is none, rest assured I would find more reasons to spend it on things that only give me temporary highs like dining out, food, shoes and sometimes books. I don't really invest because I feel I still have so much to learn. Investing in stocks with less knowledge is just like a gamble to me. Also, a matter of owning my own house is something I still couldn't afford now nor in a few years or so. Basically, I need to dispose my money in something worth it. Something that I could see and benefit from in the long run. Well, in my age and state of independence, a car is a more promising choice.

After all the justifications and weighing the desire, the wheels were easily set in motion. I am this close to releasing my funds. I've researched what I needed and I've made some effort to get to where I am right now. I'm at a point where documents and formalities were already taken cared of. During te process, I wasn't a bit boggled.

But when I woke up this morning I suddenly had cold feet. I was at a decision blur. I was boggled if I'm actually doing the right thing. It's different if I'm deciding on something that will be freely given to me. It's different if I was still in college and my dad asked me which car to buy and when. It would just be like picking candy from a store and choosing which restaurant to have dinner. But if my very own savings is involved and it practically amounts to "everything" that I've saved in my lifetime, then it's a different story.

When I woke up, the first word that came to my mind was "boggle." I am boggled that I couldn't move. Thinking of the gravity of what I will spend, I am worried that so many expectations of the purchase will not be met. I'm slowly becoming a pessimist. If that would be the case, I would just end up being disappointed and I'd rather not risk my savings just for a mediocre feeling of satisfaction or success. It must have been something that I ate last night or some insipid dream that tossed my certainty and optimism. If this is a car buyers' phase that I'm having right now, I would do my best to go through it and try to understand. But I just want it to be over with. This is the wrong time to be boggled.