Sunday, March 22, 2009

If it's not for you. It's not for you.

I filed for leave at work last Friday to relax. In the morning, without any itinerary in mind, the house felt like it was Saturday. Everyone was there. My dad, my mom, my brother and my sister. We considered this a rare family gathering. Being it as a day of utmost relaxation that also goes by saying that we need sustenance to fuel up our couch potato intentions, so I quickly drove to the nearest mall.

I spent roughly:

100 bucks for Paotsin
350 bucks for Harvey's food and goodies
180 bucks for 2 slices of Red Ribbon Cakes
130 bucks for McDonald's Take out (JD)
180 bucks for a Chowking Take-out

Count in other expenses like paying my 2,000 worth of phone bill from Globe and extra 2,500 withdrawal from my ATM account to pay an installment plan. Painful, but for a worthy cause. In those 30 minutes of ricocheting from one store to the next, I was able to spend that money as intended, avoiding all other unnecessary stops like buying that cute shirt at Bayo. I went home with so many food in tow people would think I'm running an orphanage with highly demanding children.

Upon arrival, I presented the food and almost everyone quickly rummaged it. I even have a picture of Harvey jumping like crazy and guarding his canned lamb and biscuits like a true hunting dog. As usual, my camera cannot, for the life of me, upload pictures anymore due to a disk problem named "BOOTEX." Slightly stressed, but stress is not allowed that Friday so I surrendered to food.

I was having a steady day until I found out that my planned car, the car that I was ready to get on April 15, was already gotten by a friend who exists in a very close circle. Being transparent and honest with myself, I was upset. The feeling of excitement was automatically replaced by upset and disappointment. The taste of my sweet mango dessert suddenly tasted bland. My family quickly observed that I have resulted to staring in open spaces. My dad tried to cheer me up by broadcasting to the family that they can't wait to see my new car on April 15. In my mind, I wanted to throw up.

I told my mother my case. I confessed that I was upset and not excited about the project anymore. The desire to go to work and seize my papers from the loan officer is something I need to do first thing on Monday morning. My desire has been deflated. There was no spark of hope or excitement anymore. And I would smash my head on the ground if I would still go through with the purchase only to wake up every morning feeling unsatisfied. It would be more torturous for me since I would be paying for it every month of every year. I just couldn't do it.

It left with me a ruined lunch and sordid state. My family unexpectedly tried to cheer me up. My mother insisted that God wanted to tell me that the car was not for me. My siblings wanted to look for other cars online. JD kept saying Chevrolet, while my sister kept on presenting bogus suggestions that would leave me penniless for my entire professional career. But I appreciated their relentless efforts. I assumed they would just shrug my disappointment away and laugh at me, but I was wrong. They were very supportive and they know how this project means to me.

My father was instantly mad at first. I wasn't sure if he was mad at the situation or mad at me for crying at Harvey, but he called me to his room and advised me not to go through the purchase anymore. And when my dad talks, I listen. Being a certified car lover himself, he knows how pitiful I feel. He wouldn't let me go into it with a half heart because he knows how much responsibilities I have to face once I get into it. That is true and I hear him. But I also admitted that my all my efforts have gone to waste. There's a different brand of disappointment I shoulder now. Seriously, I felt like smashing someone's head at that time.

My dad upon learning my anguish, did his unexpected fatherly duty, and ordered me to dress up. With my mind faced with lots of demons, we drove to different car dealers to scout around. I was touched. He is not obliged to do this in anyway. He could've left me alone to deal with my heartache, but he accompanied me in the hopes to cheer me up. To drive home the point, he insisted that I get a four cheese pizza and pasta at home to share with my siblings, his treat. That's my dad.

At the evening of Friday, I was subdued. No longer was I thinking of sordid thoughts. I am slowly realizing that maybe the disappointment should not last any minute longer. It's not worth it they said. It's not as if I need it as a form of a life support.

I can't plan and control everything. There will always be things beyond my control. It will upset me and taunt me, but it's not worth harboring negative feelings for. I am just mad because I didn't get what I want, that the desire has been deflated, that I was overtaken. Those are true, but it is also within my control if I would let it affect me.

If it's not for me, it's not for me. Simple as that. I move on. And one thing about me is, I always have a PLAN B, not merely as an alternative, but something better that I hope I never had to use.

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