It's hot, it's Sunday and it's Easter. I just got back from a quick city escape in Sofitel Manila, which was hardly an escape since it was fully booked over the weekend. You see kids running around and a pool you wouldn't find yourself floating in because it was just that crowded. Good thing they have good buffet and amazingly comfortable sheets or else I would've gone to Wensha.
I woke up very early this morning and went with my brother to the pool to savor its vacancy. I planned to do serious laps, but the pool is kidney shaped and my brother needed company. We talked about Greek Mythology and life now that he is about to enter high school. While things got a bit awkward, he tested the slides as I got stuck somewhere under the bridge pondering my existence. I realized that it's Easter Sunday and I think I haven't made God happy or proud. In fact I think that he would punish me anytime soon.
First of all, I was at the office the whole holy week and I whined and complained not because I didn't have time to reflect or give praise to God (privately), but I felt like my personal time was robbed. I was mad at my work because my time for myself, my time for my dog, my time for my boyfriend and my time for my family in those supposed four vacant days were all wasted. I felt like I was in a rush to get out of the office in danger of hurling my computer out the window. But I didn't really prioritized and thought of God. I just thought of me and the hassles I'm going through.
Second, I've been pretty hot-headed lately. I've been a regular complainant about life and recently I've been releasing fiery words of hate. Everything that I have experienced, I put into foul words that even God would frown upon. I even committed blasphemy at some point and the moment I did that I knew I should've burned my tongue in acid, but pride held me back. I knew that it was partly true, but the truth isn't always nice.
Third, I had the audacity to ask so many things from God when in fact I am not worthy. Kapal na ng mukha ko. I don't think I'm that mean, but I know most people think I am. I am not spiritual and I don't really do anything about it. I'm selfish. I'm foolish and I'm too proud.
God knows me inside and out. There's really no point in explaining myself. It's not hard to picture Him waiting for the right time to punish me and make me realize my mistakes, which I keep on doing. I'm a lost child and I don't deny that I need to change my thinking and habits. I think it's good to follow my heart and be true, but there are certain things that are more important than my needs. There are more holy causes that I should follow aside from my own. I'm not proud of where I am now and I'm really sorry.
Easter is the perfect day to celebrate Jesus' resurrection from the dead. He has risen to save all of us and yet I think of myself, easter egg hunting, buffets and material comforts. I should be ashamed and put myself at the stake, but I'd like to think I could ask for forgiveness and try again. This Easter may be a good start for me to change my bad ways and be happy with what I have. I should be giving praise to God more in the most comfortable way I can. Indeed I'm really sorry that it took Easter to make me realize all that. I hope it's not too late. But if God wants to punish me, I hope I could withstand it, because he really knows that I want to rise from all of this, a better and more spiritual version.