Saturday, April 24, 2010

My marriage views

Post written sometime last week:

I remember how Mitch tried to squeeze in every little bridal fantasy that he thought I had after he watched the movie Bridal Wars. He assumed that every woman, at some point in their younger years, fantasized about her wedding. With that they also fantasized on their would-be husbands, how they would look like and how often they would be taking vacations together and how many kids the would see in the beautiful house with white picked fence. Unfortunately, I had no fantasies of that sort; except for the possible flavour of my cake, which has to be banana with cream cheese frosting. I don’t know why, but even early on when I only thought of menial things of what to eat for dinner and how to pass my elementary fraction test, I remember myself saying that I won’t marry, which is always a typical banner of a boyish and independent girl. I always find the entertainment to let my parents know that fact early on and they just brushed it aside seeing it was a phase. Come high school, I was so busy with my other fantasies (anime, books) that I hardly found the time to assess my emotional needs, which passed on still after college. I was resigned to forging life on my own without wishing for any social changes until I met Mitch of course. The certain magic happened and we ended up getting attached. Me, the girl whose friends thought would be forever independent, had entered into an emotional partnership that could eventually and supposedly lead to marriage.

But Mitch need not fret. I can still honestly say that marriage is a far flung idea that still sends shivers down my spine whenever I think about it. I can’t discuss it openly and I just fall silent whenever friends my age go through with it. I don’t have positive words of advice and I don’t have a calendar with supposed matrimonial deadlines. I could be married when I’m in 30’s, 40’s just as long as I’m ready. Or I wouldn't be married, who knows. Before, I can vehemently say that I am not the marrying type, but I have the emotions of my partner to consider. Now I could say that I am open to the idea, I just don’t find the need to specify when. Right now he knows that it’s just an idea and it’s nothing serious. It's uncomfortable, but a bearable thought.

You might think I'm a troubled kid. Well, I think I'm not. My parents are normal parents. They fight, they do drama and they are sometimes stern. Our family may be in a way dysfunctional and inexpressive, but I don’t think our case is isolated. It’s not like they are bad role models for matrimony. I’m also exposed to marriages that work gracefully. Movies have already lots of examples to educate. I believe it’s in my personality to find marriage initially unappealing right now; and it’s not an effect of some childhood tragedy.

Truth is, I think marriage involves a lot of work that it has to be stressful at some point. Realizing now, I felt unimaginable and new stress when I embarked into a relationship and I don’t think I could handle a much higher notch than that. Marriage could be extremely stressful if you get disappointed and can’t turn things up around just because you always now have a partner to consider. Marriage is a constant adjustment on other person’s needs. Also, people constantly change and there is a possibility that married people could grow apart. Marriage COULD be like joining a never-ending painful sack race, when the other partner is not laughing or having fun anymore. It's a lifelong struggle.

Also, marriage could be a trap for growing individuals like me who still have other things in life to attain. That’s why elders say to exhaust being single first before becoming married. That's true becuase at this point, I am still selfish. I still have so many things that I want to do that I only picture for myself. I know that I can’t let go of other aspirations for my would be husband just yet or else I’d end up being miserable and make the marriage more disastrous.

Yet certain findings now say that marriage could be good for a person, health-wise. Healthier people are those who are married couples compared to being single, those only living together, divorced or widowed. According to researchers reported by NYTIMES, single people tend to be “wrecked” on their voyage alone, metaphorically speaking rather than having someone to constantly remind them about their welfare from a person they actually hold deep romantic ties with. Married people have bigger responsibilities to their respective spouses that they keep their indulgences in check. Married couples check on each others’ health and round the clock emotional support always miraculously helps having a positive outlook on life. Though this study is a logical one, there’s this initial factor that will dictate this finding’s success. And that is to marry right. The assumption is that one should be married to the right person, at the right time and at the right circumstances to achieve this health benefit. Otherwise, being stuck in a humdrum and painful marriage double the stress that could be easily compared to chain smoking. But we know that it’s easier said than done.

Marrying the right person is an unknown formula. It’s been discussed and talked about in magnificent stories to give people more inspiration. Discovery Channel did a scientific experiment on romantic compatibility, but it often just boosts us to the right start. The heart has always been irrational and no one could force emotions and bond to an independent thinking human. Mistakes in this department make the marriage more stressful and eventually crumble. One must also consider that a person changes. While marrying in the right time and circumstances are mixtures of rational and the irrational so these aspects could be more controlled.

Marriage is a double edged sword that could have health benefits or the opposite. Depending on the person’s current disposition or personality, this prospect could be a joyous occasion or a frightful one. Taking this matter seriously is an understatement. And no one should be pressured to go through it for the wrong reasons. I may not have bridal fantasies because of my personality or it’s because I realized what marriage may demand early on. I am not an expert, and I’m certainly not optimistic about it yet, so don’t let me crush your pretty picture. I am just trying to understand why I reserve these marriage views by writing this post. Maybe, just maybe, in the far away future, when I might be courageous and blessed enough to find myself getting married, I may read this post and smile thinking that I have been honest with myself and I will have actually grown to finally accept a new phase in my life that not even the lack of fantasy and the once frightful perceptions could ignore.

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