A Torn Cebuana

I'm having my afternoon delight here in Coffee Bean in my favorite spot, in my soon-to-be favorite mall in my favorite city, Cebu. Tomorrow night I leave for Manila to end my 5 day vacation streak. I honestly can say that I'm not looking forward to the "going home" part. The thought of facing my work and the daily routine terrifies me yet I've grown accustomed to. Every single time I go home to Cebu I know that I'd be facing one of those dreadful moments when I have to fly back. I rush to buy the usual pasalubongs, do the stressful packing which ends up heavier. I try to engage in last meaningful conversations with relatives who also want to go back to their normal lives without someone like me to entertain. It's not that they mind, but I do feel so pampered here that I get to do things that I want and go to places because my relatives find reasons to take me out. I can never imagine them working whenever I'm here because they would always be available whenever I need them.

While driving yesterday with my Aunt, I looked around the very familiar places, buildings and routes in Cebu and acknowledged the feeling of belongingness. The feeling is backed up by the knowledge that I could survive here. I love the ambiance, entertainment and the people. I really love Cebu. I always find reasons to go back and never find reasons to go home. I love Manila, but Cebu has a better effect on me I think. I've always wanted to move out.

But until all plans materials, there are two reasons that bring me back to Manila. My boyfriend and my dog. Knowing me, I could sincerely live in a new place as my personality is built for nomadic purposes. Everything else could be replaced. I could drastically change my routine and in Cebu everything that I need is there except for these two the two irreplaceablees. What's worse is that they don't necessary oblige me to stay. They are in a way more selfless than me because they support my moves to be happy even if I the reason is to leave Manila. I have to give credit to my boyfriend who is a blessing because he is always supportive. In whatever I decide, especially if it's about something that would help me become a better person, he is the first one to support. He is very honest with his feelings, but he is very resourceful. He thinks of more positive things in any shitty situation. He finds ways to assure and comfort me that I would respond positively. He changed my life a lot and I owe a large part of my happiness and learning to him. Then of course I owe my dog my happiness. He makes me proud. He gives me his time willingly and he always makes me feel needed. His presence makes my heart melt and he taught me how to be more responsible. He makes me look forward to going honme after a grueling day at work. He might not be able to say it, but I think we do love each other so much that I think he misses me right now.

In this regard, I am torn because whether I stay in Manila or leave Manila, I would end up gambling or leaving something behind. An career opportunity. A physical connecton. A responsibility. A comfort zone. But nothing is material yet. I'm purely dabbling on some thoughts, and reflecting my last days in Cebu tends to be dramatic. Boyfriend says I'm just on a Cebu-Hype. I guess he is right. But I can't help feeling I've decided already.