I've just been to a wedding of a good high school friend Jaime Bautista a couple of hours ago. Just like what happened to the weddings of my closest friends, this wedding is not any different. I felt weird and strange with a hint of difficult acceptance in the beginning. I even remembered texting the bride, now a wife, that I'm feeling queasy about the whole thing because I can still vividly remember the day I attended her grand debut 7 years ago. I can still remember my hardships while looking for a gown. I can still remember how she looked like and how the event transpired. It was quite unnecessary to voice out my opinion, but she just texted back to give a tip to just imagine the event as a debut, only that she'll be wearing a white gown. Talk about denial. But seeing Jaime yesterday was a glorious occasion that I was able to bear the whole thing. It also helped that she still looks the same, now wiser and a professional, and still has that same kind heart and childlike aura in her. She's right. She just wore a different dress. Time will ease the new revelation in me.
The thing is, it's just me. It's always been a personal battle of mine when it comes to weddings of my closest friends. I don't feel envy. I feel it's the oppsite. It's just alarming for me to think that my contemporaries are engaging into marriage, such a very heavy word that I cannot imagine incorporating into my life right now. I've just started to fully enjoy singlehood and entertaining the thought of marriage just unnerves me. I can't even meet my own needs sometimes, what more if I have to fully attend to the needs of others. I'm still in the process of enjoying my new found independent balance just to become legally, spiritually and emotionally dependent all over again.
The usual stuff I hear from brides is that they've been dreaming about their perfect wedding ever since they were a little girl. I suppose most girls have that mental picture, but I can't relate to that unfortunately. I have had intense celebrity crushes, that's true. I imagined myself with Johnny Depp cruising the Bahamas or having him go up to my Physics class and whisk me away forever. I even remember a distant "imaginary memory" that Daniel Day Lewis and I were enjoying a cup of hot coffee in our very English porch looking out at our orchard full of strawberries, attending balls at night and being cozy at night in our room with a fireplace. Stuff like that I can vividly remember, but not a wedding. It seems I've joined the image of me and my loved one on a daily basis. I always seem to manage to skip the wedding part.
Even as weird as it may seem, my friends shouldn't care less of what I'm feeling. No one should because it's all me. I've never met someone who shares the same feeling. The most they hate about wedding, which I hate too, are the formal ceremonies and attire, but usually they can immediately kick off the idea. Maybe most of my contemporaries are already ready. My bestfriend says that I bloom late in the EQ department, which explains my repulsion. But I seriously think I won't ever be ready any time soon, but will I say NO to the one I love? Seriously? Most probably, not (with profound peace).