Friday, February 6, 2009

Bored and Tired

After work at 6 pm, I met Mitch in my office building as we went to Fort to have a quick dinner and meet some of his photographer friends for a quick transaction. I admit I wasn't in any mood to interact. I wasn't hungry and I wasn't cheerful. In short, he was about to face and enjoy a lousy company of a gloomy girl.

I tried to keep my thoughts up. I sincerely thought I was responsive somehow, but I guess I'm not just good with faking. I am a very transparent person. Sometimes what I would say, out of respect , is totally different from what I act. I might say that I'm okay, when it's so obvious that I'm not. It's not intentional lying. I just don't want other people to be stressed out and end up asking me over and over again, hence diverting more attention towards me, which will make my mood worse. This mood, I am so familiar with. I want to recoil.

Any activity that I could think of like watching a movie, having coffee with dessert, eating out and just being with Mitch were all useless. I didn't have the mood to do any of it. I didn't have any mood to see familiar faces and talk. I just want to curl up in my room and sleep.

Mitch was trying hard to make me cheerful, but I just couldn't stand it. I was feeling guilty and bad for doing this to him and my evening, so the least I could do was share what was on my mind. After the quick dinner, I told Mitch that I was tired. I am getting the feeling that I'm tired with life. I even confessed that there are moments when I observe happily established middle-aged people and wished I was in there position. Talk about absurdity. He couldn't even believe what I just said. He made me realize that a lot of people wanted to look for their elixir to life. Most people, in my age, do not want to grow old, and there I was wanting to be one. It doesn't make any sense that a woman in my prime would think that. I just told him that I was tired. I just want to get away and have a vacation.

Another point that I raised with him was that I am bored. It's true that I may not have enough time to do my errands, my work and my other activities, but that doesn't mean I'm fully enjoying it. There is nothing left for me to learn and ponder on. Usually what I would learn is already a part of the same field I'm already playing with, which is the main reason I get bored. Mitch told me to take a hobby, like what he did with his photography. He even suggested I should try and learn pottery, which I've been planning to ever since I started this blog.

Tiredness and Boredom are twins that could lead a person to melancholy. With all that's happening in my life, good or bad, I still fall as a victim of these twins. It makes me want to clamp up, shut up and just sleep it over. Social interactions, even with loved ones, cannot cure this irritating tiredness and boredom in me. I have to do it alone and I have to fix this fast. I'll try to find some answers this weekend without causing fights with anyone. I just hope I do it fast because I do not like how racy my thoughts are right now. I'm worried that there might be something that I'd do that I'll end up regretting in the near future.

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