For the past couple of days my sleeping hours are limited to 3-4 hours. I go home late but I go to work way earlier than expected that I've forgotten what it's like to be stuck in a traffic Jam in my favorite South Expressway. Although commendable, what I’m doing is not advisable since I already have flexible time at work. But apparently my body clock finds ways to tick me off and I can’t help but feel more frustrated if I don’t wake up in the morning and do anything even if I just stare at something. Pathetic need will eventually kill me. What’s surprising is that I’m not a morning person, but now I've increased my meals within the day by adding breakfast. Even though I do wake up early, only a slim opening of sense can be derived from me. This is all too familiar.
I also know my body has grown tired from a couple of days of waking up so early and staying up late in the toxic environment of the office for conference calls across the globe. My eyes have lost its luster into the digital screens in front of me. My tummy and metabolism are already screwed from sitting after heavy meals devoid of any strenuous activities except for typing and thinking. Not to mention, I spend at around 500 bucks a day for meals subdivided into breakfast, snacks, lunch and dinner considering I love food and see it as my instant fuel and stress buster. Naturally, I still uphold my standards amidst the personal financial crisis. Doing my financial budgeting there is a need to reconsider my menu. Oh, I almost forgot, I also do get coffee across the street every now and then for comfort. This is all too familiar.
This is scary. I've witnessed this feeling before. It's been roughly two years since I've entered into this blissful, stressful, fast paced world. I thought with the most recent careers and sudden life changing turns I've made, I wouldn't be able to experience this again. Now my body's starting to change and welcome it back. Stress, is that you? Just like any trending report, I'm following this particular pattern that led me to the toxic professional life I've adapated two years ago. At this point, I should already know what to do and how to manage this craving for stress. But I think I missed it too much that I'm giving it another shot.
As horrible and toxic my life has recently turned out, I’ve accepted that I’ve transformed into a walking zombie endangered to lose her mind, her health and her money. In times like these, I just need to detox, develop and recharge, things that I failed to do before. It’s not the productive stress that’s killing me. It’s the unnecessary stress and all other things that I have or expected to have learned how to manage. I should know now.
I figured from past experiences that I love doing things that eventually kill me. Late nights. Splurging in good food to compensate. Subtly put relationship ties on the back seat and focus on the target. All in all, I try to be ignorant to my own weaknesses. There are activities that I believe I shouldn’t have done that I eventually did thinking it was what I really needed just because the feeling and challenge were enticing. There were processes and solutions that should have been done the easier way, but the pride in me, picked the more challenging routes. Innovative, fast forward but more challenging routes, and I don't delegate. There are a couple of career moves I passed up due to blandness and, as stupid as it may sound, because of bad office interiors. People have noticed that there are things, clutters, junk that I buy just because I would find them usable one day. Sometimes those days never come. Even some of my books have remained UNREAD and piled up in a dusty tower, but I never stop buying. I buy dresses, which I immensely like. It fits a particular occasion, but it would take a century for me wear it. Sayang. Some dresses are now a size too tight for me. Sadly, those clothes are now in the moth-ball hotel. How unnecessary and wasteful is that? There are so many clutter, unnecessary spending and unnecessary stress combined. It has been plaguing me ever since, but I just feel a little bit powerful and challenged just because I know I can still do it, until I break that is.
It’s sad but a lot of these things are fueled to the fact that I don’t want to feel deprived nor restricted in doing anything I want to do. Others think me as strong willed, but most of the times I'm just hard headed. I still think and assess things, but it's hard to manipulate my own mind. I find it too draining than just doing the harder things. As long as it serves my purpose, I want it and have the ability to get it, then there's no reason for me not to pursue it. Although I feel powerful for the immense effort and success, with some of the unnecessary effects it brings, at the end of the day I just can’t help but feel kind of stupid.
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