Friday, July 4, 2008


I have to be honest with myself that I've become a wuss and sort of a cry baby recently. Every cause boils down to emotional stress, a certain stress that I will never ever want to welcome in my life, but in a way inevitable. At my rate and at my standards, I believe I'm close to becoming a human waterfall. It disgusts me.

I've never been good with crying. It's really something not associated with me. I get disappointed and angered most of the times to the extent that my eyes get watery, but crying? Hmm. My college and high school friends who were having personal problems before would go to me and tell me their woes while I see them sobbing. Me, the degenerate one, didn't know what to do. I usually panic and tried to look at the person's feet. I get uncomfortable and I always get the feeling that I'm causing them more pain by just looking at them and staring at them. I couldn't offer words of comfort because I couldn't think of any. My mind freezes up when I see a person cry and I feel that I'm being blackmailed. Of course that's silly, but whenever I look at them, I never can relate because I don't normally cry, much more cry in front of a person. I usually think that what they're experiencing is something more "emotionally advanced" than mine. I always think "I never had those problems" The times that I feel utterly...utterly disappointed that I wanted the earth to just swallow me are usual lame problems like how my parents vocally wanted to disown me because of my hatred with math, my parents trying to reprimand me because I'm not as congenial with guests, thus shaming them; and even as stupid as crying because I'm deprived of an extended stay in Cebu. I felt pathetic whenever I cried, but if I can't take the circumstances anymore, I would cry silently inside my bathroom trying to read and divert my attention to Archie Comics.

Unfortunately now that I'm way past puberty, I've noticed that I've cried more than ever. The disappointments in myself with the fact that I'm crying results to even more crying, which sucks. In my standards I feel that I've cried so many times that I think my eyes are already overworked. And what pisses me off is that I'm crying because of taunted emotions and frustrations. At least give me dignity to cry out of physical pain, loss and extreme conditions, but things that I have no control of that affects me....emotionally? Worse.

They say maybe it's just a phase or a person or a chapter in my life. But I've realized at times that crying actually comforts. After that, I could very much eat ice cream and feel my eyes are rid of toxins. I think it's okay once in a while if the limit of repression is tested. I also tend to make sure that effort in crying is for something really worth it. Otherwise, I'd have to slap my face repeatedly. I still have my standards of course. Yes, yes. I might be a wuss in a way, but thank god at least I know I have emotions too. Sorry to disappoint my past theorists.

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