I believe one of the hardest points for a person in a relationship is realizing that he or she doesn’t see any bright future with their respective partners. This matter is quite ambiguous compared to simply blaming the intended separation to loss of love, loss of trust or even physical death. In this premise, the love and trust are still present, yet the practicality of staying together for a vision of a secure future does not seem to trickle down to their senses. It is either one person has traversed a different path that one cannot be able to support or follow. It may also be caused by the fact that they both already want different things. It is so different that the demands could be so glaring. The other person might also feel restricted, hindered or worried with security thinking that their partners would not be able to support their emotional and financial needs in the future. The person might either use a point of comparison against his/her partner or might be entertaining a certain itch that they can always do better. There are lots of advices for partners to cut their relationships due to lack of trust, lack of respect and lack of love, but to be able to address the need for a separation just because the other person feels that there is no FUTURE, needs a little more explanation.
THE ISSUES:
A. MONEY ISSUES
This situation is true especially in the Eyes of WOMEN. I think in every invisible relationship manual do’s and don’ts, it’s simply a NO-NO to argue about money. Constant money matters efficiently erode relationships. The couple should have an understated approach to dealing with money lest they would want it to take over their relationship. Money is a powerful tool to make or break relations.
In this culture that we have, men are expected to earn more and “support” the family. Let’s face it. Even though there’s women empowerment and financial breakthroughs, men are more seen to SPEND for women either by demand or by their own desires. Women nowadays are seen to spend for their own whims and lifestyles, but taking consideration of building a family or spending for a couple, the man is always seen to take lead. It doesn’t necessarily mean that women do not contribute at all, but in a couple, it’s the men’s kingdom and utmost courtesy to provide. That is how the culture has brought us and even a modern woman would still think of the act, not entirely the end of all, but just as important.
Imagine. A smart woman, who earns a living and supports her own lifestyle, may wish to settle with a man who could AT LEAST match her resources or even go higher than her own. I might understand this perception in a way that women would want to feel secure in every sense of the word. In truth, most career women do not hold their insecurities against how their partners are doing professionally and financially. Women’s insecurities go against other women, and not with men. Also, the way we are brought up, women are expected to manage the household more therefore dividing our time and priorities from career to family. We take careers to feel independent and gain self-fulfillment, but we are not expected to burn all our efforts to the point of losing touch with the home or the vital needs of the family. That is why there are dual roles and multiple expectations that befall on women.
To put this in context, imagine this average yet independent woman being attached to a certified slacker or a freeloader who does not even shed any effort to support himself even if the woman already puts the opportunity in a golden plate. There is definitely something wrong with the picture. IN their dates, the woman pays. The woman drives the man to work. The woman buys him clothes and goods apart from being a mother and a financier, the woman fulfills her part as a loving girlfriend. In this case, the woman might not mind at all since she is happy in love and she could still support him. But what if there comes a time when she feels abused or tired and incidentally finds a better version of a slacker, the one who really has a good job? What if this slacker does not envision himself getting married, and even if he does, cannot visualize himself getting a reputable job to support their future? Even if the woman loves the partner tremendously, she cannot bring herself to nurture a future made of false promises, looming poverty and desperation. Being smart and independent that she is, she will not try so hard to achieve certain things she has achieved on her own to end up in a drag of a future. She simply realizes that there is no future with her partner even if she perfectly knows that she still loves him and couldn’t bear to leave him. But the vague vision of a positive future is gnawing her to the core. The tune goes “We cannot live on love alone.” Practicality over emotions.
A more complicated and more hurtful version is that a person, let’s say, a woman for a example is so competitive, ambitious and tends to target higher goals or resources, while her partner is NOT AS ambitious and competitive. The ambitious partner might feel slighted or annoyed that she is the only one building a much brighter future. The ambitious partner might view the complacency of his/her significant other as a sign of weakness and uncertainty. She cannot accept herself being satisfied with the simplicity and the kind of future her partner holds for them. For the ambitious, it simply won’t ever be enough and they need a partner in every sense of the word. Even though there’s love and familiarity, their visions of a secure, financially capable and promising future are not at par with each other.
For men, it’s quite different since it’s in their genetic make-up to provide. But men who constantly succumb to financial slavery with women is also not something worth considering for a brighter future.
B. DIFFERENT WANTS
In life the only thing constant is change. Even in a relationship, the status of couples in the beginning will not be the same in the future. Let me name the possible changes that might affect couples: Interest, Principles, Wants, Desires, Career, Goals, Future, Physical attributes and attitude. One of the optimum tests if the relationship is indeed strong is to be able to withstand all changes of your partner. It makes sense. You decide to love the person, all points in consideration, from the time you have assessed what was then present to be assessed. In future, these might fall irrelevant. The change could either turn for the better or for the worse. It could be a form of benefit or it could produce a certain rift in a relationship.
It’s good if the change is something that the other could support or adjust to. But if not, it would inevitably widen the gap and cause an inevitable separation. If a person wants to work abroad for mere interest or self fulfillment, the other person would have to learn how to adjust and make the relationship work. If not, they would just add up to the statistics of failed relationships due to long distance. If a person changes lifestyles due to career or interest, no matter how hard or unfamiliar, the other person should learn to adjust and understand. If the other person does not want to get married or have a family how would a brighter future transpire if his/her partner would wish to have a family? Failure to address different wants might further contradict and jeopardize their future.
Since it’s a given that people grow and develop and it’s a human factor to change and explore other things, relationships are not immune to any of this. Couples constantly argue and undergo tests if the wants are not any more aligned compared to the time they first decided to embark in a relationship. Since at that time, they find all things in common and familiar, they find attraction and comfort with each other. Take it away might mean endangering the relationship to further instability.
C. FALSE EXPECTATIONS
Anyone who has ever been in a serious relationship, do not just go involve themselves in a relationship by means of comfort and fulfilling an adult requirement. You go into a serious relationship to grow with the person and face bigger things like marriage, family and the whole growing old together-drama. You enter in a relationship with the premise that you want it to last. Sometimes, we tend to see the façade more and hope for people to change their perceptions that would complement our own. We invest in more time and trials, yet at the end, our own high expectations for the person will never be fulfilled in the future. Once we realize the fact, our future simply goes down the drain.
D. SIMPLY LACK OF VISION
Some people stay with their partners for as long as 10 years till they find out that they’re not made for each other at all. They are better of as friends or as business partners. They think they are serious and they do everything gracefully, yet both are scared to face or recognize the future. They are either stuck in the moment, so familiar with each other that they treat themselves as comfort zones. They don’t want to face the future in terms of hindering themselves to grow. They are both satisfied with where they are until they don’t know what they would want in the future.
I’ve seen relationships fall and enter into danger zones simply because they missed a turn and can no longer journey forward. Some couples have already lost the map that it’s an agony for them to stay together figuring out the right turns. Or by the time they decide to forge on, they’re so different that they don’t know which road to take or which one to sacrifice.
Relationships involve people shedding time, effort and emotions. It’s not a joke. If done with the wrong pretense, it could drain the person of almost everything. Therefore people treat it as investment; and an investment is something that grows and inevitably has a much bigger purpose. If a person is not sure of the future his/her partner holds with for him/her, then it’s a time to reconsider if it’s beneficial for both parties still move on together. There must be something wrong with loving a person that you do not envision a future with. Is pure blissful love enough to disregard the possibility of a future? What’s the worst fear? Fear of isolation or Fear of a drastic future? Everything is always wielded by choices, no matter how ambiguous and fearful those choices may be.
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